Growing Up Without Love

It is difficult to know where we acquire our specific quirks and behaviors. I continually ask myself why I do certain things or if my feelings are “normal.” I second-guess myself constantly. I wonder if the people around me like me or simply tolerate me. 

But are these learned behaviors from childhood or other life experiences? That is a question I cannot answer. I do know that growing up feeling unloved and unwanted made a lasting impact on how I see myself and my role in other people’s lives. 

I did not feel worthy of love for most of my life, including love for myself. I have never found a way to live up to my own expectations. Nor have I felt good enough for myself or others. 

Growing up feeling unloved taught my child brain that I was not good enough, worthy of, or deserving of love. I sought out affection in unhealthy and unsafe ways in my teen years. I was the perfect prey for the predators that surrounded me. 

As a young adult, I was in many relationships where I was harmed, taken advantage of, and poorly treated. And I accepted it all because I did not feel I deserved anything different. I felt unworthy of expressing my boundaries and tolerated many things I now regret. 

Now in my 40s, I have been so disconnected from the idea of dating and finding love for several years. I have lived in fear that my next relationship could turn out like my last. Those thoughts are genuinely terrifying. 

Through therapy, I have started learning to love myself. There have been slow, gradual shifts towards where I want to be. I know that the past cannot be changed. So, I am working on changing this moment moving forward.